Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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