Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
