i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
im holly from the hills drunk
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
