do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
