dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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