Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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