Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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