i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
