Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
