So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
