So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
