I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
And then my night got REAL pukey
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
