I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
