I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
