I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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