I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
