lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
