Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Randomize
