I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
