you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
