Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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