You can't motorboat a personality
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
