i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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