omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Green mimosas i think yes
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
