i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
