so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I deserve this hangover.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
