Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
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