I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
accomplished twins. life is a go
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
