I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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