My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
