Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
