____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
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