dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
We talked him into tasing himself.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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