Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
