did you get engaged???
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
