The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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