Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
