My liver just broke up with me...
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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