Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
