so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
