She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
As shirtless as possible
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
