The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
