On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
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