mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im drinking this country out of the recession.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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