In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You're completely useless in the revolution.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
