I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
