I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
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