Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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