arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
