so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
