sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
