I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize