I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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