she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
