you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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