I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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