So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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