Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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