You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
