i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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